I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
