What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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