The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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