I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
