like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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