When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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