Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
