The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
