The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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