when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I can't turn off my feet"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize