Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i love accidental penises.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
