Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
