my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
