Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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