I met the friendliest cop last night
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize