I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
