so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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