Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
