Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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