The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
