My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
