1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
