Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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