you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
