Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
