Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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