she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ok first of all what the fuck
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
