Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
