And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
