Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
