Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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