I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
