I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
