Three words: puerto rican gang bang
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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