In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize