I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
