im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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