You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize