i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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