I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
