I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We left the knife in your bed.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
