Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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