neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
