it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You're like the curious george of whores
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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