Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
