I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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