was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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