you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
