just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
