so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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