new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
