Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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