Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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