I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
