I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
