This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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