I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
