weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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