one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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