Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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