My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
