the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize