your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
