I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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