oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i wish my penis had a tongue
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
