now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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