I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
