just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Come on in and take your pants off
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